“I’m sorry” is that seemingly harmless and seemingly humble poison that is unrequited guilt, rearing it’s head. I know I for one need to give up using these words, if you can relate read on!
Is It An Apology or Is It Guilt?
Ask yourselves the following questions.
- Do you apologize frequently?
- Do you feel responsible for other peoples emotional responses?
- Do you feel responsible for bad timing?
- Do you ask yourself “if I could have done better” more often than not?
- Do you feel burdened and tired?
- Do you avoid people to protect them from your moods?
- Do you dismiss relationships and walkaway too quickly for their sakes?
- Do you feel like you owe people in some way for spending time with you?
- Do you go above and beyond for people?
- Do you carry unrealistic expectations from yourself?
- Do you expect less from others and more from yourself?
- Do you constantly fear you may be a burden?
If, like me, you answer yes to most of them, chances are you come from guilt. This does not mean you’re not apologetic, it means you are likely unnecessarily apologetic.
But it gets worse. You are also burdened and possibly suffer from pangs of your past.
Why the Guilt Though?
There are several deep rooted reasons for guilt that fuels the “I’m sorry” behavior pattern. The following reasons are most common and it could also be a combination of more than one.
- PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
- Neglected Childhood
- Prolonged Abusive Relationships
- Parents or Partners with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)
- Self-esteem Issues
- Autism or ADHD (or other neurodevelopment disorders)
If none of these resonate perhaps the problem lies on a subconscious level. Whatever your reason for the guilt may be, it is important to understand that not everything is your fault. Self-forgiving is a harder feat, so let’s see what we can do meanwhile instead.
“I’m Not Sorry But…”
Something that I currently am implementing for myself and find helpful to advice my clients is substituting the phrase. These not only are less burdening but also let’s you convey what you may really be feeling.
So, instead of saying “I’m sorry” for things that are mundane and completely out of your control try changing it for a “thank you”. Just remember, a simple statement can be an act of genuine gratitude and is enough.
- Thank you for coming even though the weather changed
- Instead of
“I’m sorry I asked you to come in this rain”
- Instead of
- Thank you for waiting
“I’m sorry I took the whole day to complete that task”
- Thank you for doing the dishes
“I should have done the dishes, I am so sorry!”
It is also important to remember that it is okay to let people know you have reasons. Being honest and vulnerable does not make one weak, it makes one more human and allows you to be gentle on your own expectations. Acknowledgment is usually considered sincere and does not need to be burdened with shame or guilt.
This sort of responses also help give context and allows people to empathize and also proactively help if possible. It is absolutely okay to let people help you, nobody is beyond help.
- There is a delay in meeting the deadline, I had a very hard time understanding the requirements.
“I’m sorry I can’t meet the deadline”
- I honestly did not expect the roads to be this busy, I would have planned otherwise.
“I’m sorry I made you wait”
- I completely forgot you don’t eat meat, I tend to forget things on really busy days. I will fix you something real quick, please remind me if you can, next time I cook for you.
“I can’t believe I forgot you don’t eat meat! I am so sorry.”
- Please excuse me, I did not mean to bump you.
“I’m sorry for bumping you! Please excuse me.”
If you feel responsible for the happiness of people and constantly apologize for their feelings, try the following.
- I heard about your dog, I hope your hanging in there. I am here if you need to talk.
- “I’m sorry about your dog”
- I realize how that could have upset you, if you tell me what you need I will do my best to help you feel better.
- “I’m sorry I made you angry”
- My brother was out of line, do you want to talk about it?
- “I’m sorry about my brothers behavior”
- Do you want to do something else together?
- “I’m sorry I bored you”
- Are you okay? I didn’t mean for you to get scared.
- “I’m sorry for scaring you!”
Remember it is not always about you, people feel what they feel and it is their problem more often then not and not yours. You can definitely respect peoples emotions and empathize but we must learn to do so by removing our own guilt and shame from the situation first.
How Language Change Works
Integrating language substitutions such as replacing “I’m sorry” with “thank you” can significantly influence one’s mental health over time. By shifting from a narrative of guilt and apology to one of gratitude and recognition, individuals may begin to perceive their interactions and personal roles in a more positive light. This subtle linguistic change can reduce feelings of self-blame and inadequacy, fostering a stronger sense of self-esteem and self-worth. Over time, this practice encourages a more optimistic outlook and healthier interpersonal relationships, as individuals learn to communicate in ways that affirm their value and respect their boundaries. Ultimately, this shift can lead to decreased stress and a more balanced emotional state, contributing to overall mental well-being.
Parting Thoughts
The silly habit of apologizing can make us seem humble but is often laced with so much guilt and shame that it can be a hard burden to bare. Try these substitutes to take the first step in to forgiving yourself and offloading a little. It is definitely not the permanent solution but it is an easy linguistic tweak that can be a small step to healing. Eventually, dig deep in to your mind and find the source to truly begin your healing journey. Feel free to browse similar articles here.
Good Luck & Happy Unapologizing.
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